The Spice Girls are
a rather famous English girl-band, and it consists of a number of NATO generals, several musicians, make-up artists, two singers, five girls-members and a songwriter. This band isn't just a band, but it's much more. Just like a lot of modern-day boy- and girl-bands, it didn't grow together like they usually do, but was constructed by the record-company.
It all started a long, long time ago, long before anyone had ever imagined the high-tech and wild nineties as they are now (if you hadn't noticed that already: these are the wild and high-tech nineties! Yahooo!!!), there was a small family of Inuit people living alongside a pretty cool piece of tundra somewhere in the more remote and rather dull parts of Lapland. This small family kept itself alive with the hunting of all kinds of furry animals, and they regularly had clashes with some of those environmentalists about the clubbing of cute little harp seals. The environmentalists claimed these seals were endangerd and cute and very popular with kids and more of that stuff, so they ordered the family to stop clubbing those beasties and find a job or something. The family declared that clubbing cute furry animals *was* their job and that they would die gruesomely or live from welfare if they'd stop, so the environmentalists got quite angry and started to behave themselves so badly that the family saw no other option than to club and skin them, and sell the resulting leather on the market.
Of course Greenpeace didn't wait long with an "appropriate reaction", and they blasted every one of the family and burned the corpses in a very happy and party-like fashion, after which they ravaged the cool piece of tundra and turned it in to a not so cool piece of tundra...standard Greenpeace procedure, mind you. But they forgot just one tiny thingie...damn them.
The oldest daughter of the family, called M�l Banitobia Tikkititatophinaer, had been out hunting and clubbing during the onslaught and therefor got the surprise of her life when she returned to the scorched remnants of her family's iglo-estate. And she stood speechless until a bus filled with irritating tourists stopped and flooded the place with an awful amount of noise and Japanese people....then she finally cried out in her typical yodel-like way and scared the hell out of everyone....except for an impressario from London (we won't tell you his real name, so we'll just call him Jan-Jaap). Jan-Jaap was quite impressed, for that is his job as an impressario, and he offered the screaming girl a contract at some vague big record-company.
This record company had just recently targeted almost half of the population with a very devious and gruesome method, and it yielded such immense effect and revenue that the company was desperately seeking for a way to get an hold on the other half of the country. This method, better known as the sneaky and seductively oiled boy-groups, had sent millions of innocent girls screaming and wetting their pants whenever they were shown on the telly, played on the radio or were used succesfully as an advertising gadget. So half the continent became destabilized in political and, more important, economical aspect, and the governments of all affected nations combined forces to stop this deadly tide, by whatever means possible. An attempt with tactical nuclear weapons was barely avoided when a the destruction of greater-London was almost at hand, and just because some accountant in the houses of parliament just discovered that the loss of real-estate was slightly less profitable than the successful halt of the boy-group epidemic. So the newly-formed and ultra-secret military task-force had to come up with a different approach....and then Jan-Jaap had an idea!
Jan-Jaap presented his idea on a high-level conference in Brussels, but the implications of having every one's eardrums perforated and sealed with prefabricated kevlar-steel knobs were considered to be "a bit silly", so the bureaucrats came up with a radical new approach: the girl-band of doom! And Jan-Jaap was the one to create it....so he decided to go to Lapland to get some inspiration.
When he returned with the still screaming M�l Banitobia Tikkititatophinaer everyone was awestruck and becoming sincerely irritated untill Jan-Jaap told her to shut up or be forced to eat a bag of fried peppermints. When M�l started on her fifth bag and still happily munched along they kicked her in the arse and told her that she could forget becoming a movie-star if she'd continued to behave as morose as this...so she immediately stopped screaming and started discussing the movie-contract. At last they came to a deal: she would be leading a girl-band, code name "Girl Squad" until they became famous enough to send the entire male population drooling all over their belongings and worse, and afterwards she would be starring in a movie about the band and get her own talkshow about huskies on CNN.
So now the real work started! First of all, they needed someone to write the songs. And that was a very nasty piece of work, for the songs had to be utterly mindless and still creep into someones head as it were a vampire-maggot. They knew they had only two options about who to order to write these songs, but one was rather busy with his "Phantom of the Opera"-performance so they had to make a deal with Vanilla Ice. Jan-Jaap travelled to L.A. and tried to talk to mister Ice in person, but he was rather busy at the moment being intimidated and hanged out of the window up-side down by some people who could actually make rap-music, something he'd never been really able to do, so he had to wait some time. But then the deal was made real soon because poor Vanilla had just given away the rights to his own music to those nice rap-dudes and was in desperate need of cash to pay his "protection"-money to the same nice rap-dudes.
Meanwhile M�l B.T. was looking for some good-looking and horribly naive girls that wanted to become famous. Instead she found a London-Taxi driver called Victorya Anetta Shlojngue, a former Polish farm-lady that had come to the British capital in search of her missing left sock she'd lost when she was nine years old. M�l B.T. offered her a closet full of left socks and a one-way ticket back to Poland if she'd join her band. Victorya immediately started to complain in broken English that she wanted to make money to help rebuild the orphanage for silly-looking kids in Warsaw and needed an awful amount of money to do so. But seventeen-thousand left socks would also do nicely. Therefor M�l B.T. offered 17,500 socks. And you know this is an offer no Polish lady can ever refuse so she happily joined the "Girl Squad" and got twenty-five left socks in advance!
On their way back to the record company, that the government had nationalized for this project, Victorya's taxi trashed the bike of the gorgeous but rather Kelly Bundy-like Emma Swashbuckle...an ideal target for the devious M�l B.T. So she jumped out of the car and started screaming and raging about the scratch Emma's now deceased bike had left on Victorya's Taxi, so the confused and rather intimidated Emma was forced to join the group and repay the damage with the money (minus interest rate, of course) she earned that way. And they rode on.
A few days later Herr Doctor Ice arrived at Heathrow and was ready to start his work....but just after he had a talk with that lovely stewardess that treated him so kindly on this flight. So they started talking and Vanilla finally asked if Ms. Geri Dunlow had anything to do that evening...he was shocked by her response: "sure, but it'll cost ya, honey" for he was a farm-boy from a small village near Milwaukee and only just famous and so on. So when he and his "date" walked out of the terminal and found the entire crew of the "Girl Squad" waiting he became red and his nasty Milwaukee accent returned...but he quickly saved the day by claiming that Geri was his personal addition to the Squad and that she was ready for work. Geri was quite happy with this arrangement, especially for the fact that she had convinced Vanilla of the fact that she couldn't just do that sort of stuff for free. So, Vanilla was forced to pay her not only by the hour, but with additional hourly funding and expenses paid too.
The final day before the operation started the military command had a meeting with Jan-Jaap, Vanilla and the girls about the results achieved thus far. Nobody noticed the rather strange behavior of one of the military aides within the room, but when they did it was almost too late. Melanie Czipcksky was thought to be a rather nice and easy-going Nato-secretary from Sweden, but that was not the case. Ms.Czipcksky was from an obscure and little-known region in the Balkans, and she was rather pissed off about the fall of her beloved Communist Empire. So she had only one goal in her life: kicking some major ass in the Nato. That she did just after the start of the meeting. She executed three generals before Vanilla Ice managed to get her signing a deal with the record company, for they could use some vague paramilitary girl to spice things up a bit withing the Squad. She could even sing some ancient Yugoslavian and Bulgarian warsongs, though not very good. Its sounded more like Rambo clearing his throat but it was the idea that counted
At last the entire team was complete, and the real work started. While the girls were taking singing-lessons at Madame Straphonski's Singing School, Vanilla and Jan-Jaap tried to write songs that were empty but tangy enough to be of use. Emptiness wasn't the problem whenever Vanilla was involved, but the tangy part was the real nasty bit. After some truly gross and quite annoying pieces of work they both agreed to contact Ben Cramer and let him do the tangy bits. So after a few minutes' worth waiting the fax from Amsterdam arrived with some horribly melancholic and tangy Dutch tunes which they immediately translated roughly and ran to Madame Straphonski's to try them out.
But when they arrived they faced a truly remarkable problem: none of the girls was able to produce a steady and coherent note, so singing was an impossibility of the first magnitude!
Then Vanilla had an idea: the ancient art of play-backing! So they immediately contacted Milli Vanilli, cousins of Vanilla Ice, and explained the problem to them. They started yelling and screaming and claimed they never ever had play-backed in their entire carreer, but that was as true as can be because they hadn't ever had a carreer as such, so another deal was made....the songs would be sung by Milli Vanilli and piched up in real-time to sound even more feminine! An excellent move!
So the Spice Girls became famous, and their goals were easily achieved: now the entire population was coerced and happy thanks to all sorts of boy- and girl-bands. But the secret organization behind this coercion wasn't satisfied....the men in black wanted more power, and more happy people. Europe was conquered, but the States weren't affected enough to their liking, so the devious plan of a Girlie tour to the USA was plotted and prepared as the military operation it essentially was. And was executed according to plan.
It worked almost too well....the fact that Hollywood has come up with the cute idea of making a Spice Girls movie shows enough. So if you're planning a trip to the States in order to escape from the terrifying pressure in Europe, plan something else. There is nowhere to run anymore....
Later on, when it turned out that coercing the population proved to be utterly useless because it was just as effective like coercing a herd of brain-dead cattle, and not at least as funny. So, the spice girls project was canned, the band members were locked up in a specially constructed compound (a wooden crate with a special coating, eg. concrete) located somewhere in Scotland (the bottom of Loch Ness), and the Nato officials geared up for their new goal ... something that has to do with mutant space frogs. Source article :www.fredscape.com
It all started a long, long time ago, long before anyone had ever imagined the high-tech and wild nineties as they are now (if you hadn't noticed that already: these are the wild and high-tech nineties! Yahooo!!!), there was a small family of Inuit people living alongside a pretty cool piece of tundra somewhere in the more remote and rather dull parts of Lapland. This small family kept itself alive with the hunting of all kinds of furry animals, and they regularly had clashes with some of those environmentalists about the clubbing of cute little harp seals. The environmentalists claimed these seals were endangerd and cute and very popular with kids and more of that stuff, so they ordered the family to stop clubbing those beasties and find a job or something. The family declared that clubbing cute furry animals *was* their job and that they would die gruesomely or live from welfare if they'd stop, so the environmentalists got quite angry and started to behave themselves so badly that the family saw no other option than to club and skin them, and sell the resulting leather on the market.
Of course Greenpeace didn't wait long with an "appropriate reaction", and they blasted every one of the family and burned the corpses in a very happy and party-like fashion, after which they ravaged the cool piece of tundra and turned it in to a not so cool piece of tundra...standard Greenpeace procedure, mind you. But they forgot just one tiny thingie...damn them.
The oldest daughter of the family, called M�l Banitobia Tikkititatophinaer, had been out hunting and clubbing during the onslaught and therefor got the surprise of her life when she returned to the scorched remnants of her family's iglo-estate. And she stood speechless until a bus filled with irritating tourists stopped and flooded the place with an awful amount of noise and Japanese people....then she finally cried out in her typical yodel-like way and scared the hell out of everyone....except for an impressario from London (we won't tell you his real name, so we'll just call him Jan-Jaap). Jan-Jaap was quite impressed, for that is his job as an impressario, and he offered the screaming girl a contract at some vague big record-company.
This record company had just recently targeted almost half of the population with a very devious and gruesome method, and it yielded such immense effect and revenue that the company was desperately seeking for a way to get an hold on the other half of the country. This method, better known as the sneaky and seductively oiled boy-groups, had sent millions of innocent girls screaming and wetting their pants whenever they were shown on the telly, played on the radio or were used succesfully as an advertising gadget. So half the continent became destabilized in political and, more important, economical aspect, and the governments of all affected nations combined forces to stop this deadly tide, by whatever means possible. An attempt with tactical nuclear weapons was barely avoided when a the destruction of greater-London was almost at hand, and just because some accountant in the houses of parliament just discovered that the loss of real-estate was slightly less profitable than the successful halt of the boy-group epidemic. So the newly-formed and ultra-secret military task-force had to come up with a different approach....and then Jan-Jaap had an idea!
Jan-Jaap presented his idea on a high-level conference in Brussels, but the implications of having every one's eardrums perforated and sealed with prefabricated kevlar-steel knobs were considered to be "a bit silly", so the bureaucrats came up with a radical new approach: the girl-band of doom! And Jan-Jaap was the one to create it....so he decided to go to Lapland to get some inspiration.
When he returned with the still screaming M�l Banitobia Tikkititatophinaer everyone was awestruck and becoming sincerely irritated untill Jan-Jaap told her to shut up or be forced to eat a bag of fried peppermints. When M�l started on her fifth bag and still happily munched along they kicked her in the arse and told her that she could forget becoming a movie-star if she'd continued to behave as morose as this...so she immediately stopped screaming and started discussing the movie-contract. At last they came to a deal: she would be leading a girl-band, code name "Girl Squad" until they became famous enough to send the entire male population drooling all over their belongings and worse, and afterwards she would be starring in a movie about the band and get her own talkshow about huskies on CNN.
So now the real work started! First of all, they needed someone to write the songs. And that was a very nasty piece of work, for the songs had to be utterly mindless and still creep into someones head as it were a vampire-maggot. They knew they had only two options about who to order to write these songs, but one was rather busy with his "Phantom of the Opera"-performance so they had to make a deal with Vanilla Ice. Jan-Jaap travelled to L.A. and tried to talk to mister Ice in person, but he was rather busy at the moment being intimidated and hanged out of the window up-side down by some people who could actually make rap-music, something he'd never been really able to do, so he had to wait some time. But then the deal was made real soon because poor Vanilla had just given away the rights to his own music to those nice rap-dudes and was in desperate need of cash to pay his "protection"-money to the same nice rap-dudes.
Meanwhile M�l B.T. was looking for some good-looking and horribly naive girls that wanted to become famous. Instead she found a London-Taxi driver called Victorya Anetta Shlojngue, a former Polish farm-lady that had come to the British capital in search of her missing left sock she'd lost when she was nine years old. M�l B.T. offered her a closet full of left socks and a one-way ticket back to Poland if she'd join her band. Victorya immediately started to complain in broken English that she wanted to make money to help rebuild the orphanage for silly-looking kids in Warsaw and needed an awful amount of money to do so. But seventeen-thousand left socks would also do nicely. Therefor M�l B.T. offered 17,500 socks. And you know this is an offer no Polish lady can ever refuse so she happily joined the "Girl Squad" and got twenty-five left socks in advance!
On their way back to the record company, that the government had nationalized for this project, Victorya's taxi trashed the bike of the gorgeous but rather Kelly Bundy-like Emma Swashbuckle...an ideal target for the devious M�l B.T. So she jumped out of the car and started screaming and raging about the scratch Emma's now deceased bike had left on Victorya's Taxi, so the confused and rather intimidated Emma was forced to join the group and repay the damage with the money (minus interest rate, of course) she earned that way. And they rode on.
A few days later Herr Doctor Ice arrived at Heathrow and was ready to start his work....but just after he had a talk with that lovely stewardess that treated him so kindly on this flight. So they started talking and Vanilla finally asked if Ms. Geri Dunlow had anything to do that evening...he was shocked by her response: "sure, but it'll cost ya, honey" for he was a farm-boy from a small village near Milwaukee and only just famous and so on. So when he and his "date" walked out of the terminal and found the entire crew of the "Girl Squad" waiting he became red and his nasty Milwaukee accent returned...but he quickly saved the day by claiming that Geri was his personal addition to the Squad and that she was ready for work. Geri was quite happy with this arrangement, especially for the fact that she had convinced Vanilla of the fact that she couldn't just do that sort of stuff for free. So, Vanilla was forced to pay her not only by the hour, but with additional hourly funding and expenses paid too.
The final day before the operation started the military command had a meeting with Jan-Jaap, Vanilla and the girls about the results achieved thus far. Nobody noticed the rather strange behavior of one of the military aides within the room, but when they did it was almost too late. Melanie Czipcksky was thought to be a rather nice and easy-going Nato-secretary from Sweden, but that was not the case. Ms.Czipcksky was from an obscure and little-known region in the Balkans, and she was rather pissed off about the fall of her beloved Communist Empire. So she had only one goal in her life: kicking some major ass in the Nato. That she did just after the start of the meeting. She executed three generals before Vanilla Ice managed to get her signing a deal with the record company, for they could use some vague paramilitary girl to spice things up a bit withing the Squad. She could even sing some ancient Yugoslavian and Bulgarian warsongs, though not very good. Its sounded more like Rambo clearing his throat but it was the idea that counted
At last the entire team was complete, and the real work started. While the girls were taking singing-lessons at Madame Straphonski's Singing School, Vanilla and Jan-Jaap tried to write songs that were empty but tangy enough to be of use. Emptiness wasn't the problem whenever Vanilla was involved, but the tangy part was the real nasty bit. After some truly gross and quite annoying pieces of work they both agreed to contact Ben Cramer and let him do the tangy bits. So after a few minutes' worth waiting the fax from Amsterdam arrived with some horribly melancholic and tangy Dutch tunes which they immediately translated roughly and ran to Madame Straphonski's to try them out.
But when they arrived they faced a truly remarkable problem: none of the girls was able to produce a steady and coherent note, so singing was an impossibility of the first magnitude!
Then Vanilla had an idea: the ancient art of play-backing! So they immediately contacted Milli Vanilli, cousins of Vanilla Ice, and explained the problem to them. They started yelling and screaming and claimed they never ever had play-backed in their entire carreer, but that was as true as can be because they hadn't ever had a carreer as such, so another deal was made....the songs would be sung by Milli Vanilli and piched up in real-time to sound even more feminine! An excellent move!
So the Spice Girls became famous, and their goals were easily achieved: now the entire population was coerced and happy thanks to all sorts of boy- and girl-bands. But the secret organization behind this coercion wasn't satisfied....the men in black wanted more power, and more happy people. Europe was conquered, but the States weren't affected enough to their liking, so the devious plan of a Girlie tour to the USA was plotted and prepared as the military operation it essentially was. And was executed according to plan.
It worked almost too well....the fact that Hollywood has come up with the cute idea of making a Spice Girls movie shows enough. So if you're planning a trip to the States in order to escape from the terrifying pressure in Europe, plan something else. There is nowhere to run anymore....
Later on, when it turned out that coercing the population proved to be utterly useless because it was just as effective like coercing a herd of brain-dead cattle, and not at least as funny. So, the spice girls project was canned, the band members were locked up in a specially constructed compound (a wooden crate with a special coating, eg. concrete) located somewhere in Scotland (the bottom of Loch Ness), and the Nato officials geared up for their new goal ... something that has to do with mutant space frogs. Source article :www.fredscape.com
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