Helping a friend

These tips come from a good friend for sharing. hopefully can be useful for all.
How do you know if a friend's problem is too big or serious for you to be dealing with alone? One thing to consider is whether the help you give to your friend actually results in a change in the situation for them. Some problems like; depression, low self esteem, eating disorders, or substance abuse problems don?t usually change as a result of a friend?s support alone. What can happen is that the friend will try to help, but over time they can begin to feel over-extended or burned out from helping. They can feel overwhelmed and out of control themselves because their work is suffering, or they begin to feel helpless because nothing they seem to say or do makes a difference. They can also end up wanting to avoid their friend because their friend needs so much from them and resenting the time they do spend with them. Does this sound familiar to you? There?s nothing about this situation that says you are a bad friend or that the person with the problems is bad themselves. What it means is that the problems the friend has requires more than friendship alone can provide.

If you have a friend who exhibits any of the following signs of a problem:

* Withdrawal from people
* Loss of interest in activities
* Can?t concentrate
* Significant change in their weight
* Feeling helpless
* Talk about death or suicide
* Problems with eating/sleeping
* Unusual mood swings
* Chronic low self esteem
* Excessive video game playing
* Harmful use of alcohol or other drugs
* Self-harm
* Preoccupation with food or exercise
* Overly restrictive or unusual eating habits
* Acts in a bizarre or paranoid manner
* Talking incoherently or about very odd things, such as having special powers

Or if you feel any of the following:

* Feeling responsible for the other person
* Feeling over-extended/burned out
* Feeling pressure to solve his/her problems
* Feeling that the problem is too much for you to handle
* You notice that the problem keeps coming back
* You avoid this person or feel nervous around them
Things You Can Do To Help A Friend

1. Listen.
People underestimate the power of just listening without giving judgment or advice. Don't rush to offer solutions or to "fix" the problem.
2. Understand.
Reflect back what you heard the person say so they know that they are understood. Acknowledge that the situation must be stressful/hard.
3. Help the person get moving.
If there is something that your friend can do to change the situation, encourage them to address the problem now- before things get worse. (E.g. talk to the person they are mad at; get some tutoring, etc.)
4. If things don't change for your friend-help them to get help. Point out how all of their best efforts and yours haven't resulted in things changing for them (e.g. they are still depressed) and it's time to try something different.
5. Ask them if they have considered talking to someone
If they have thought about talking to someone but haven't, ask why they haven't? They probably have a specific reason (e.g. feel they would be weak, had a bad experience with a counselor before) and you can help them get past their own reservations about getting help (Reassure them: it's not weak to talk to a counselor, even though they had a bad experience before they could have a good one now, it's worth a try).
6. Encourage them to talk to someone at least once. This may help them get past the sense of starting something too big.
7. After they have talked to someone, ask them how things went. This lets your friend know you are still interested in them and it's still ok to talk about how things are going for them.
8. Respect their need for privacy. Your friend may want to share a lot or only a little about how things went.
9. Be encouraging. It took some time for the person to get to the place they are at, it will take some time to have things change. Help them focus on the positive- how did they feel about talking? How did they feel about the person they spoke with? Be encouraging of their continuing to seek help.
10. Keep in touch with your friend over time. Just because they are getting help doesn't mean they don't still need you-as a friend.
11. If your friend continues to have problems. Check in with them over time on how things are going. Be honest with them if you remain concerned. The most important thing is to have the kind of relationship where you can talk with one another about what is going on. Don't be critical, judgmental or apply too much pressure-just let your friend know if you remain concerned or become more concerned.